Fish Tank

I recently left the graces of my home congregation. Kevin mentioned during one of our many conversations about what that means for us as a family, that he feels a bit vulnerable outside the umbrella of "protection" of the Church. After the predictable confirmation that we are the church and we find our security of course in Christ and not in any specific congregation, his comments managed to stay with me. I understand his fear that I may have pissed God off by wading in to waters unknown and having the moxy to confront the powers that be in stead of opting for a more silent submissive type of route.I guess I worry about it too. It was unnatural to jump the tank knowing I need a bit of water to survive and not really knowing what's out there and how long it will take to find it again. Still, I jumped because the waters I had become so comfortable with weren't as healthy as I believed them once to be, and for the first time in my life I'm on the outside looking in andit's the oddest thing. I know people move all the time and experience the process of finding a church community they can connect with but for me, it is something I never expected to be doing and certainly something I am unprepared to deal with. It's like I've done something horrible. Only now do I understand more completely the intensity of the pressure my father felt when he married my protestant mother, and that of the many families who over the years fled their sacred roots in search of something more. I don't think I've ever judged someone for leaving our church, at least I hope not, and I hope it's simply my insecurity making me feel like they're thinking the worst of me. Still it feels funny to run into someone from the old tank at Wal-Mart or Fazoli's and have a normal conversation. And then there's the whole loyalty thing and trying to worship somewhere else. I don't know...as much as I tried to think it all through before there are feelings I'm discovering for the first time simply because of the territory. A lot of me wonders if I should have just stayed put but the part of me that feels alive and scared, and honestly a bit free thinks I may be surprised at how well it all turns out. As for the whole protection element I feel likeI was seeking His will through itall and His spirit dwells within me not within any walls we conjure up. I believe He jumped with me and I can live with that.