two.thousand.ten...

Snow managed to find us before Christmas but I still had a tough time embracing my normally jolly spirit. I'm never the bah-humbug at this address but I sure was this year. I bucked up and checked off the list with half-hearted flair but just couldn't muster up the goods to make it legit. That said I did enjoy the day and those that quickly disappeared thereafter. What baffles me is that all the stars aligned for it to be the best one ever: Shawna, the one and only, back in her room upstairs; baking cookies together, wrapping presents together, lots of time around the table...I have no idea what was wrong with me. Still don't. It wasn't even the busiest December of all time. Whatever.

Anyway, we are all well. Better than well. There are the usual worries manned by the head of the house, but given the list of things people are dealing with these days, we are blessed. Kevin has assumed several job descriptions at JK, requiring him to work his way through the fears and stress of learning new things at a stage of career he would much rather coast through but he has done so if not without complaint at least with enough grace to make me proud of him and his ability to grasp everything thrown at him in a course of a day. Shawna is awesome as usual. I just love my girl. Being able to see her minister to people has been really cool. I'm really proud of how her and John pour themselves out for their friends and their sheep. Between the two of them someone is always trying to call them or needs some type of help and they always spring to action. Makes me tired.

John is neck-deep in renovating the newest Crossing Campus, 929 Monroe. As awesome as it is, as much as God has His hand in it all, I'm trying my best not to think about the fact that I will no longer be playing with him and Shawna for weekend worship. Dang. The three of us have played together since they were in Junior High. Really don't want to think about it. Even though I'm positive Shawna is just going to bloom. I just have a feeling. And it looks like my hubby is going to be taking a leap and playing bass with them. How crazy is that? My whole family playing together without me. All good. And pretty sure it's all God, too. Can't exactly mess with that then can I?

I'm 5 months into an 18 month program at church, MDI (Ministry Development Institute). Each class is 6 weeks long, meets for 3 hours on Tuesday and requires nightly homework, most of which I cram into 1 or 2. We've been through Experiencing God and a history of the Christian Church/Crossing, New Testament & Acts, Old Testament and currently Life of Christ...For as much as I've learned so far I've realized how much I may never know or come close to understanding. One of the neatest aspects of the program is getting to really know everyone so much better than I did already. We have an awesome staff. And how cool that my son-in-law sits next to me most weeks. Also very cool. This class has been a positive thing for both those taking it and the staff who are teaching it. I think it has grown us all and drawn us closer to the God we minister through and to those we minister alongside.

Still fighting the weight thing. Always fighting the weight thing. But we bought a treadmill. And an Ab-Circle Pro. Shut up. John and Sha are beating themselves up with P90X and I'm going to let them. I want to be fit but there's not a chance in the down-under that my six pack will see the light of day before they bury me.

The oddest part of our year-end has to be going from putting our house on the market and having it "Open House" ready to absorbing two more people, a dog and a cat into 1404. John and Shawna sold their house in October and are looking into the possibility of renovating Dad's sheet metal shop. We've spent the last couple months selling off equipment and inventory etc. but have a lot to do before they can begin. The process is moving but barely. And some days it seems like it's slower than others. Kevin has had his moments but I'll hand it to him, he's doing pretty well. If you know Kevin, seeing him snoozing on the sofa with Mylie on one side and Sam on the other (on the sofa!) has been unbelievable. All said and done, I'm hoping we all still love one another madly at the end of this process. Still, it's a real blessing having the extra time with them.

Hope your year is off to a great start. May He hem it in from all sides and lay His hand upon it. Be sure to say hi and catch me up if you have a minute...

Love to all...

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." -Psalm 143:8

I spent a deal of time yesterday thinking about the losses in my life. By losses, specifically loved ones gone home. No secret that this time of year tends to do that to me, but of late there are a number of people in my life dealing with death or illness and I always identify with their fears and sadness. The list of things you go through is not only endless and in constant shift, but often unexpainable to even those who have buried someone and had to make that walk back to the car. Loss is completely a personal thing and the way we navigate its scars on our internal skin can't really be shared or understood by anyone else completely, no matter how much they love us or want to share or understand.

Sorrow waits for us while we sleep. She doesn't lose interest or wander away in the moonlight. And as intense as the relief waking from a nightmare to discover it was only a bad dream is the disappointment to realize it wasn't. That moment you figure out you're right where you left off before you finally managed to fall asleep and your heart sinks as you step back into the horror film in progress. Let the morning bring word of Your unfailing love. It doesn't say let the morning bring answers. Let the morning bring some type of explanation, or miracle, just love. And when my head hits the pillow at night it is His love I count on. I know He loves me.

It eventually gets better. The sadness seasons the rest of who we have become and we notice one day we don't want to throw up anymore and the tears, though unpredicatable, become an almost welcome assurance that these people are still a part of us and that despite the temptation to castle our hearts, we still love and feel and believe it's worth the heartache.

And so I love and I trust in His. And I pray mightily for those who are in the middle of their sadness...

lend me thine ears...

I made the mistake of politely asking him if for the duration of breakfast at Sprouts we could talk about something other than his transitions at work, which for the last several weeks has been our sole topic. (save for the commercial breaks to talk about the economy) Big mistake.  In addition to the tongue lashing I received (hurt feelings packaged as anger) was the awkward silence as he pouted across the table from me. Noted.

I then reasoned that I am his only safe human audience and that saying 'I do' meant promising to listen to his ever-rotating topics whether they captivate me or not. And so I ask him what he was using my laptop for last night, already knowing the answer.

 

He can talk for hours about his job and what it requires of his unique mind. The hardest part of listening to it all is staying mentally present without speaking. If I've learned anything about him in all these years it's that he's rarely seeking answers. The answers are already there in his beautiful mind. It's just that they are usually buried beneath the clouds of worries or countless files of experience and knowledge that have accumulated there over the years. He just really needs my ears to help him organize things until he gets there on his own. I absorb the chaos. And I promised him I would. Not in so many words, and without realizing it at the time. When I see him working it out, word-by-word-by-word, I realize how very intelligent he is. I realize that he may well be some type of genius in his arena. And if someone isn't there for him to let him verbally sift through the mounds of information he has to deal with, he'll burst. I am that someone and forgive me for the times I'm not up for the job. 

"Once you become self-conscious, there is no end to it; once you start to doubt, there is no room for anything else." ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

The call came Friday morning. The voices started arguing immediately. In my right mind there is no possible reason I would even consider declining but in my left mind- the one where the voice reminds me in bulleted points why I should or at least want to is as usual shouting so loudly I can barely hear what she's saying. This makes me sound emotionally unstable I realize but it's how I navigate this life of mine. I freeze. I incapacitate myself all. the. time.

I don't know if the voices accompanied the weight gain over the years or if I was always this way but I wonder sometimes how I ever managed to direct anything. I peek at the people I have been over the years and am amazed at how she did it. How I did it. These days if I can't hide behind a band or laptop I just want to dissolve. And the right mind patiently holds her arms out, begging me to trust her, to jump and the left side shuts. me. down.

Fortunately the mind is only one (or two) of the whole and the heart and soul have matured enough to recognize the struggle and begin the process of matter over mind. And what matters is saying yes to opportunities that have God written all over them, which my whole mind already knows but is too busy batting fears back and forth to make a move. I'm hopeless, I know.

The voices know I'm on to them and the heart will rub her victory in their faces until I feel that water on my feet. I'm already imagining the rapid pacing of my pulse, the stifling awareness of my self and the possibility the voices aren't going to give up. But I am going to defy them and allow myself to participate in the eternal. I am going to do my best to forget about how I may or may not look to people who may or may not notice and baptize two very special people God has trusted me to shepherd. They will lay everything on the line and I'm not about to do anything less.

"Spirit can walk, spirit can swim, spirit can climb, spirit can crawl. There is no terrain you cannot overcome." ~Irisa Hail

Save me a seat.

Simple request at face value, but from the perspective of where I'm actually sitting it's anything but simple. And the road to get here, to this seat, in this stretch of the road isn't really all that simple either.

I sit here trying to concentrate on what is being discussed and all my head can think about are the odds of me sitting next to my son-in-law in a Bible class. Odds? Well, nothing I could have ever imagined a month ago let alone years. God is just something else. I'm still not sure if I have the goods to make it through an 18 month program without my colleagues discovering I know a lot less than maybe they assume, or if all this homework will get the best of me. And as much as I fear both those things, I also kind of hope for both. That I can just come clean and say, I don't know much. And every time I think I do, I figure out I know even less than I thought I did. And I hope all this homework (Bible study on steroids...) gets the best of me, it needs to. I think I'm pretty great at regurgitating the poetic thoughts of other thinkers and rule at quoting one author after another, I'm just afraid of admitting that without that fount of babble I got nothing. And they will know.

But I saved his seat. And I prayed over him, asking God to impart Himself to him and grow him, even more than I want that for myself. And I thanked Him for letting me enjoy this chance to come clean, to begin where the real me meets the real Him and to let Him teach me. I hear Dr. Lowery's words about humility ringing in my ears and that's what I want. I want to begin in humility, knowing God will teach me with new eyes, new ears and new hope. I want to know Him like never before. And getting to do this with my son-in-law sitting next to me overflows my heart and blows. my. mind.

Good is God.

really blew it this time...

I have settled into the pace of updating my FB status and haven't thought about my AOTS for.ever. Me thinks it's time. I'm going to add updating her to my growing list of personal goals for the fall. We'll see if anyone cares.

pet supply catalog...

  An "exercise" fence and a "muzzle".  Is it just me or are there some significant marketing flaws here?    

deja view...

him: I just watched "Luther" upstairs. 

me: It's really good. We watched it before.

him: No I didn't. I've never seen it before.

me: We watched it together. You liked it.

him: Nope. Never seen it.

pause.

him: So we could watch it again in a month if you want.