issues...
Kevin tells me I have issues. He tells me there are local eyes reading my blog that want me to just get over it already. ["It" meaning 2004's visit to hell and back.] Well, from their lips to God's ear. It's just this "getting over it" phrase we toss around, or yell across a table, is easier said than done some days, and equating the trauma of the last year or so with something like having to "get over" not winning control of the remote for the evening happens to offend me. Someone point me to this button I can switch on and off that simply erases it all and fast forwards me into a brand new slate free and clear of the residue that stubbornly refuses to release except in ever-unfolding layers. I'm working on it. I really am. But something that ranks itself next to losing my mother on the pain scale of my heart is just not that easily gotten over.
The frightening thing to me is this: I know myself well enough to know I will never, ever get over what happened and that scares me to death. I know myself well enough to know I will need to learn to live with it quietly and not in print or conversation because people are tired of hearing about it. But it's also frightening to me that of all the people this has affected, all but a few were able to move on pretty stinkin' quickly, like it was a bad case of heartburn. In my head it seems healthier to still have "issues" than not to but what do I know.
Apologies to the few of you who read this who have been disappointed in me or offended. I'd tell you to "get over it" but that would be sarcastic and not very grace filled so suffice it to say you won't read it here from now on. Just make no mistake, I'm far from over it and I'm not apologizing for feeling that way. I never understood how powerful a church community can be or how devastating it can be when it all falls apart. You can bet I'll take it slow second time around.
I hope you know how often I pray for everyone I left behind and how much it still hurts. I really am sorry if my words have hurt you. I obviously don't ooze as much as you thought...
The frightening thing to me is this: I know myself well enough to know I will never, ever get over what happened and that scares me to death. I know myself well enough to know I will need to learn to live with it quietly and not in print or conversation because people are tired of hearing about it. But it's also frightening to me that of all the people this has affected, all but a few were able to move on pretty stinkin' quickly, like it was a bad case of heartburn. In my head it seems healthier to still have "issues" than not to but what do I know.
Apologies to the few of you who read this who have been disappointed in me or offended. I'd tell you to "get over it" but that would be sarcastic and not very grace filled so suffice it to say you won't read it here from now on. Just make no mistake, I'm far from over it and I'm not apologizing for feeling that way. I never understood how powerful a church community can be or how devastating it can be when it all falls apart. You can bet I'll take it slow second time around.
I hope you know how often I pray for everyone I left behind and how much it still hurts. I really am sorry if my words have hurt you. I obviously don't ooze as much as you thought...
posted by ret at 10:31 PM
1 Comments:
All i have to say, is that what bothers me the most is how the integrity of the MPCC elders has been publicly maligned, but no evidence has been shown to back it up. I look up to those men like they were my father, and they are the fathers of MPCC.
All things aside, i pray that no one looses sight of the fact that we are ALL human, and imperfect. only one Man walked this earth without ever making a mistake, and we all know who that was. We all make mistakes, and even though people get hurt, God's love can heal ANY wound. So, even though ties were broken i hope everyone can still look at each other with the eyes of Jesus.
Love - David
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