more...
I admit it. There. I miss my choir. A lot. I miss their faces, their cumulative abilities, their needing me and even their little individual quirks. I miss knowing them and being known by them. I miss our mission, our passion, our community, our...family. These last seven months have literally disappeared and I'm just not sure what to make of it. Somehow between the beginning of a very empty and slightly frightening new year that hinted of nothing with any certainty I found myself thick in the middle of this rehearsal last night and it felt...well, it felt good. It felt really good.
In the last few weeks I have struggled with not only finding my place but assuming my place. Always that pocket of guilt I reserve for digging into when I think of those I left behind and what they'll feel about me moving on. And truthfully a little lacking in the confidence department...that part of me that wants to keep them clapping isn't always sure what brand new people will think of me or my abilities. But last night those insecurities didn't make the trip across town for some reason. I had a great time. I knew their names. I made suggestions. I laughed. They laughed. And I think the significant part was this sense I had that they trusted me...at least musically, that they found the confidence to enjoy themselves because I was standing in front of them and they needed me a little. That just felt...familiar and very nice. It sure didn't hurt that amid these new faces were six others that have faithfully journeyed this stretch at my side. Often times believing enough for both of us, both in me, and in a God that has yet to reveal His mighty plans for us all. I had a great time. I actually found myself closing my eyes and wailing my heart out in worship and discovering abruptly that I had forgotten I was standing in front of a strange group of people, on a strange stage, with a strange band in a strange place. And maybe it wasn't so much forgetting as it was realizing it all wasn't quite as strange as it had been. I felt comfortable and that's pretty huge for me.
We plan to close the night with a new song Neal has written called "More". I didn't really realize until last night how fitting that song actually is. At first when he placed it at the end of "Agnus Dei" I wasn't sure it belonged there. I was wrong. Anyone who has been able to enjoy that song in a moment of sincere worship knows what I mean when you could go on singing "holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty...worthy is the Lamb, worthy is the Lamb" for eternity and to head right into some perky praise song, well I had my doubts. But last night he began lifting the tempo into this new song and I'm telling you it was sweet. All of us ending that set singing at the top of our lungs "I need more!" Can I just say I'm eternally grateful He chose music as my talent and passion. Bless Him. My life and heart overflow with moments like last night. I can carefully connect them like push pins on the map of my journey and they are precious points of grace. Precious and sorely missed.
More. I need more. More of Him and more of "this". And I'm beginning to think that's exactly what He has in mind...
In the last few weeks I have struggled with not only finding my place but assuming my place. Always that pocket of guilt I reserve for digging into when I think of those I left behind and what they'll feel about me moving on. And truthfully a little lacking in the confidence department...that part of me that wants to keep them clapping isn't always sure what brand new people will think of me or my abilities. But last night those insecurities didn't make the trip across town for some reason. I had a great time. I knew their names. I made suggestions. I laughed. They laughed. And I think the significant part was this sense I had that they trusted me...at least musically, that they found the confidence to enjoy themselves because I was standing in front of them and they needed me a little. That just felt...familiar and very nice. It sure didn't hurt that amid these new faces were six others that have faithfully journeyed this stretch at my side. Often times believing enough for both of us, both in me, and in a God that has yet to reveal His mighty plans for us all. I had a great time. I actually found myself closing my eyes and wailing my heart out in worship and discovering abruptly that I had forgotten I was standing in front of a strange group of people, on a strange stage, with a strange band in a strange place. And maybe it wasn't so much forgetting as it was realizing it all wasn't quite as strange as it had been. I felt comfortable and that's pretty huge for me.
We plan to close the night with a new song Neal has written called "More". I didn't really realize until last night how fitting that song actually is. At first when he placed it at the end of "Agnus Dei" I wasn't sure it belonged there. I was wrong. Anyone who has been able to enjoy that song in a moment of sincere worship knows what I mean when you could go on singing "holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty...worthy is the Lamb, worthy is the Lamb" for eternity and to head right into some perky praise song, well I had my doubts. But last night he began lifting the tempo into this new song and I'm telling you it was sweet. All of us ending that set singing at the top of our lungs "I need more!" Can I just say I'm eternally grateful He chose music as my talent and passion. Bless Him. My life and heart overflow with moments like last night. I can carefully connect them like push pins on the map of my journey and they are precious points of grace. Precious and sorely missed.
More. I need more. More of Him and more of "this". And I'm beginning to think that's exactly what He has in mind...
posted by ret at 8:30 AM
2 Comments:
This one got me. Consider one year ago, July 19th and then wrap yourself up in July 19th one year later. Lovely, I tell you. Lovely. And there you have it...from 24th to this.
It was a year to the day. God and that perfect timing of his. Those treks down 24th were like stones placed to remind us where we were and where He has lovingly brought us. What a trip. Really liking this side of it all, I must tell you. Would not want to go back but thankful for the depth it brought to my faith and friendships.
Hoping a year from now we won't still feel the pain. Trusting it's still there for good reasons...
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