pants on fire...
I hate lying to people. And I hate even more than I'm...well...good at it. I mean, what does that really say about me? Kevin closes his eyes when he isn't being truthful. My mom could never hold her mouth quite right. Shawna doesn't tell very many. So, where did my, uh, gift come from?
I just told Shawna two of them to start the morning off in a "whatever is true...whatever is right" kind of way, and the only thing "noble" about it at all is the attempt to surprise her for her birthday. My mom used to say that white lies were allowed at Christmas and at times like this. But I'm ashamed to say the whole fraudulent scenario rolled off my unbridled tongue like it was actually...true. In mere seconds I had successfully woven a web of harmless lies that will hold tighter than a drum. I'm that good.
In case you're rethinking anything I've told you in the past, know this: I lie only for the greater good and usually for a comedic stunt or a surprise like this one. If there's an opportunity for a few great laughs, I'm in. April Fool's Day, case in point. And it only enables my ornery tendencies if the intended victim is as gullible as the people in my life often are. Kevin's a gimme. Shawna's a pretty close second. And before you think them simpletons, consider this:
I consider my good friend Brian to be one of the most intelligent people who actually talk to me. His intellect can intimidate the best of us. Why, reading his latest post on U2 almost made me quit blogging. Like I'm wasting valuable cyber space on senseless crap and he's out there being smart. Well, this young genius can be a bit gullible for an otherwise bright sort of lad. There are several ready examples but one I'll share.
Palm Sunday 2004. He was scheduled to lead our worship that weekend and he was unable to make the rehearsal the Weds. before. In the course of rehearsal we joked about using palms and although we had used them for previous programs I wasn't planning on having the few people on team wave them that year. However. We decided it would be a good-time-had-by-all sort of thing if Lowery thought we were.
It was decided that I would tell him when I ran through the service with him later that week, and I'm proud to say by the time I worked my deceptive magic we had a believer. That phrase "hook, line and sinker" says it all. Yes, he questioned, yes, he squirmed but oh, he swallowed. Within 48 hours Mr. Brilliant was standing in the hallway "rehearsing" the palm choreography with the other guys on team. Now, granted it helped that someone had access to palms and brought enough for everyone to have one, and that there were some behind the scenes emails going on to coordinate what I had told him, but by the time the service started I had perfectly orchestrated one of my favorite pranks. As he led the team up the stairs to the stage, palms in hand, he couldn't see everyone behind him lay theirs down. Intent on his call to worship, and truth be told, concentration on whether to wave right or left first, only his peripheral vision and the grace of a laughing God stopped him before "it" was completely airborne. Nearly peed myself. Funniest. thing. ever. That, and the slow "I hate you forever" glare he gracefully aimed at the piano. I think that's my favorite lie of all time. Well, the mailbox was good. And that time I had...
I'm hoping I don't burn for times like that and I'm hoping you won't think too badly of me. You may be wondering how to ever believe a word I say or write and I have that coming I guess. Hang with me long enough and you'll hear those closest to me say "God as your witness?" A phrase my mother taught me years ago. Sucks the fun right out of a prank but it does cut to the chase. How sad is that?
Anyhow, I hope we surprise her tomorrow. She loves pancake/sausage breakfasts and she loves Jumer's Castle in Peoria. She thinks she's going to a mass in dad's honor at St. John's in the morning and to a swim meet for Emma in Bartonville after that.
Hey. It's little and it's white...
I just told Shawna two of them to start the morning off in a "whatever is true...whatever is right" kind of way, and the only thing "noble" about it at all is the attempt to surprise her for her birthday. My mom used to say that white lies were allowed at Christmas and at times like this. But I'm ashamed to say the whole fraudulent scenario rolled off my unbridled tongue like it was actually...true. In mere seconds I had successfully woven a web of harmless lies that will hold tighter than a drum. I'm that good.
In case you're rethinking anything I've told you in the past, know this: I lie only for the greater good and usually for a comedic stunt or a surprise like this one. If there's an opportunity for a few great laughs, I'm in. April Fool's Day, case in point. And it only enables my ornery tendencies if the intended victim is as gullible as the people in my life often are. Kevin's a gimme. Shawna's a pretty close second. And before you think them simpletons, consider this:
I consider my good friend Brian to be one of the most intelligent people who actually talk to me. His intellect can intimidate the best of us. Why, reading his latest post on U2 almost made me quit blogging. Like I'm wasting valuable cyber space on senseless crap and he's out there being smart. Well, this young genius can be a bit gullible for an otherwise bright sort of lad. There are several ready examples but one I'll share.
Palm Sunday 2004. He was scheduled to lead our worship that weekend and he was unable to make the rehearsal the Weds. before. In the course of rehearsal we joked about using palms and although we had used them for previous programs I wasn't planning on having the few people on team wave them that year. However. We decided it would be a good-time-had-by-all sort of thing if Lowery thought we were.
It was decided that I would tell him when I ran through the service with him later that week, and I'm proud to say by the time I worked my deceptive magic we had a believer. That phrase "hook, line and sinker" says it all. Yes, he questioned, yes, he squirmed but oh, he swallowed. Within 48 hours Mr. Brilliant was standing in the hallway "rehearsing" the palm choreography with the other guys on team. Now, granted it helped that someone had access to palms and brought enough for everyone to have one, and that there were some behind the scenes emails going on to coordinate what I had told him, but by the time the service started I had perfectly orchestrated one of my favorite pranks. As he led the team up the stairs to the stage, palms in hand, he couldn't see everyone behind him lay theirs down. Intent on his call to worship, and truth be told, concentration on whether to wave right or left first, only his peripheral vision and the grace of a laughing God stopped him before "it" was completely airborne. Nearly peed myself. Funniest. thing. ever. That, and the slow "I hate you forever" glare he gracefully aimed at the piano. I think that's my favorite lie of all time. Well, the mailbox was good. And that time I had...
I'm hoping I don't burn for times like that and I'm hoping you won't think too badly of me. You may be wondering how to ever believe a word I say or write and I have that coming I guess. Hang with me long enough and you'll hear those closest to me say "God as your witness?" A phrase my mother taught me years ago. Sucks the fun right out of a prank but it does cut to the chase. How sad is that?
Anyhow, I hope we surprise her tomorrow. She loves pancake/sausage breakfasts and she loves Jumer's Castle in Peoria. She thinks she's going to a mass in dad's honor at St. John's in the morning and to a swim meet for Emma in Bartonville after that.
Hey. It's little and it's white...
posted by ret at 8:17 AM
7 Comments:
it's kinda fun when you can trick the smart ones, eh?
Especially when the smart one is your brother. We really were merciless to that boy over the years. Poor thing. And I loved every sadistic minute of it :)
So, did you really drive off early on purpose so he would have to ride the bus?
Laugh it up. Because it was Easter, I exercised grace. Jesus told me to.
Rachel did leave me to the bus on occasion. She will deny it, but she did. I had to ride it with freshmen and a bus driver that I swear wasn't sober most of the time. One kid shared his bag of cereal with me once, though. He was a fellow band nerd. The special times, however, were when Rachel and I did ride together. She always wanted to kill me when I switched the stations on her. "I'm driving and I get to choose." And it was always country. SHUDDER.
It's a good thing you're young. You're going to need years to work through that suppressed bitterness of yours...although I'd be bitter about that country music too :)
One of the times I was left was the infamous morning I called her a certain name.
The other time I managed to get my friend Jason to pick me up on his way to school.
And I am praying through this trying time of healing.
Lol. I actually thought about that dictionary session as I was reading these...priceless.
Post a Comment
<< Home