her: why isn't it going anywhere?

me: (in silence) no...

pause.

me: what do you mean?

her: well, it's just laying there. isn't it supposed to go up or something?

me: (again, in silence) sweet jesus, there's something wrong with shawna.

me: (walking around the kitchen counter, bending down to look her in the eye) are you serious?

her: well, look at it.

me: (still bent over and in denial, speechless)

her: i know i'm just having a brain fart or something, but what's wrong with it?

me: (with hand to my head, in total disbelief) sweet jesus, there is seriously something wrong with her. i read to her when she was little. i took parenting classes. i spent time with her. i did everything i could possibly think of...

her: stop laughing and tell me what's wrong. it's just a brain fart...i know i should know this...don't call john....mom....

me: john, you are not going to believe this...sure, call me back.

me: oh, shawna. this is a doozie. this is your best work ever. are. you. serious?

her: stop it. is it because there's no string?

me: (laughing so hard i thought i was gonna puke) no string? no string? (grabbing a pen to write this down...)

her: stop it! just tell me, i don't get it! is it because they aren't outside?! stop laughing...that's probably john...

me: john. are you sitting down? this is a dandy. this is way beyond your whole 10 second thing...this one tops them all...( i relay the above...)

her: does it have something to do with helium?

me: ya think?

her: i don't get it. they worked at the wedding...

me: (i give up. she's cute. she sings like an angel. i love her madly.) oh, shawna. you made balloons at applebee's...don't you know what helium is? it's gas, not air!

her: i just thought it blew them up faster. how was i supposed to know?

me: is it because they have no string?!!! you're killing me here!! how come they're just laying there?!!! is it because they aren't outside???!!!! good. stinking. grief. that's one helluva brain fart baby girl!! you're killing me here!!!

her: (pouting and irritated) who are you going to tell? how was i supposed to know? no one ever tells me these things...fine. call aunt veronica. i'll talk to you later...

she heads out the door. i'm speechless. when i could function without doubling over, i attached the balloons to the garage sale signs and headed to the phone. some stories are meant to be shared. as i've thought about it over the last hour, i realized the distinct possibility that she has only had helium-filled balloons as a point of reference. i guess she never really invested much thought into the whole "funny voice" thing after inhaling a helium-filled balloon and in her little princess world all balloons have magically floated to the ceiling.

she is so getting a limp bouquet of oxygen-filled balloons delivered to the salon next week...