death by worms...

I remember where I was standing and what I was thinking as a visiting choir from one of the Bible colleges had just finished their Sunday evening program at MPCC. I was in probably 9th or 10th grade which means I had long straight blonde hair, bangs on the way out, braces, no makeup and plenty of dreams. I was talking to the girl who had accompanied them on piano in the back of the sanctuary. I can see her standing there with the wooden partition that stood behind the last row of pews. I can see the amber light of the room from the north wall of ceiling high windows. The same amber light that made most if not all of my wedding pictures look antiquated. I can feel the people nudge past us in the cramped aisle between us and the stairs to the cry-room. I can see them reaching for their coats on the way to the door. And I hear her say "Praise God."

I had been drooling all over her and stood amazed at her talent. A pianist since age four, I had hopes of pursuing it in college. I had hopes of pursuing it in Bible college. I simply told her how great she was and she smiled and said "Praise God."

For years after that I applied her response to my own moments of accolades. Meaning it with a passion it still managed to sound plastic falling from my tongue. I can't tell you how many times over the years I've pointed heavenward as applause filled the room. And meant it. I can't tell you how many times over the years I've deferred the praises they offer me to Him. And meant it. I offer them still and yet I need that affirmation with a vengeance. I need the approval. I need your approval, whoever you might be. Ironically, as I examine this, I recognize how often I deflect a compliment with some self-deprecating jibe with the intent to stay humble.

I remember reading in Ortberg’s "The Life You’ve Always Wanted" his chapter on approval and seeing for the first time that it was possible to practice false humility and that it’s okay to actually accept positive response to our efforts and that by belittling our gifts though in good conscience to practice humility we do ourselves and our Creator a disservice. I’m not gonna lie: I like to know I’m special. I like to know I’m good at what I do. I like to know people like what they see and hear. I like to know that God is using me in some way. [I think underneath it all is a constant struggle with being self-conscious. I have tons of self-esteem, ask my family. I love me and always have. I’m just so conscious of what people think of me and I need that constant affirmation, I do. But it isn’t about the glory. It just isn’t.] I know in my deepest of crevices my gifts are His and always will be. That has never even been an issue and I know in my deepest of crevices I would never desire to use them for anyone else. The glory is His alone and the gifts He’s allowed me the passion and ability to develop over the years have given me more joy and pleasure than I'll ever deserve. I just hope those who have been witness to them in the past and in the years to come will know I know from Whom they flow, because I do. And more than just hearing me answer "Praise God" when you pat me on the back, may my life speak for itself as I learn to live it out for His glory. For me, a simple "thank you" feels more honest and "me" than anything else I can come up with, and when you hear me say it, please know the praise belongs to Him.

"Instantly, an angel of the Lord struck Herod with a sickness, because he accepted the people’s worship instead of giving the glory to God. So he was consumed with worms...and died." Acts 12:23