pride cometh before the up-do...

me: what's your schedule like tomorrow?
her: i'm full.
me: seriously?
her: well, yeah. mom you have to call me at least a week ahead :) you didn't think i would just work you in just because you're my mom, did you?
me: smart ass...

It didn't snow. And I'm totally okay with that. It would have been a nice touch but honestly, I had such a wonderful weekend the snow might have pushed me over an edge that some days is closer than I'd ever admit.

I spent an hour Christmas eve morning in the new green room at church. Prompted by the spirit and orchestrated by a fellow team member, several of us took shifts throughout the night to cover the 24 hours leading into the Christmas eve services with prayer. Thinking our shifts would be done from home, John took the 7-8 and I took the 8-9. Then we realized we were supposed to pray on sight. Duh. Not a biggy for morning people, but for this nocturnal girl who was up too late and usually works herself into a dither for no good reason doing last minute errands and preparations, I was hesitant about getting everything done in time. As it turns out, it was the best start to Christmas, ever.

I've prayer walked a worship center many times. It's always quite moving to enter the room alone and pray for those who would fill the seats in the hours ahead. I learned this practice from a special man of prayer at MPCC years ago and have applied the concept to lots of other experiences along the way, but this particular walk had a beauty all its own. I came expecting it. I came grinning through a mist of tears at the sheer providence of it all. I came ready to begin.

I'm a big fan of stations. I love having some direction for my meditation, especially at a time when there are so many distractions fighting for attention inside my head, and believe me, the distractions from Christmas alone were grounds for Advil Extra Strength, let alone the whole "how did I get here" scenario. I moved through the stations looking within, looking up, looking out and couldn't wait to walk the room. Other than Neal asleep in the back (he stayed the night...) it was just me and the Trinity. We had a great time. The sound of the water gently cascading over the walls of the baptistery was the perfect backdrop for the prayer walk. Something mystical about the process. Wondering what God will do and at the same time realizing no amount of wondering could actually begin to imagine His storehouse.

I loved my time in that room. I loved that God knew I would be there and would love my time in that room. I loved praying for Neal as he lay sleeping. I loved praying for the tech team. I loved praying for those who would prepare the communion. I loved praying for those who would preach. I loved standing where each member of the team and band would be standing and praying for them. I loved praying for those who would kneel on the steps. I loved praying for those who would be immersed in the beautiful waters. I loved praying for all those who would walk through the doors bearing hearts of every emotion. I loved that this deliberate time of prayer could bind satan's attempts to make this about the lights and sound, about the new space, and not about our precious Prince of Peace and the lives He would claim as His own. I loved that mine is one of them.

This was by far the best start to Christmas I have ever spent. I plan to repeat it. There was a calm quiet over my heart that lingers still. I didn't want it to end. It will be one to remember always. I had feared that the first one without dad and the last one with Shawna at home would just be too much, but you know, He carried it all. There were moments of course, but I just had the best of times. He has taught me so much in the last year or so. I hope He's pleased with the changes He sees in me. I hope He gives me time to catch my breath before we get to it again. But I doubt it. As tempting as it is to "land" I can't help feeling we are only beginning. His Kingdom come, His will be done, that is, after all, what we prayed for.

What a wonderful Christmas.

recapitulation...

Okay, so I'm biting the bullet. I'm sending a Christmas letter this year. Didn't want to leave out my cyber friends although nothing in here hasn't been blogged about a time or two already. 2005 was just such a huge year for the Nobis house that it seems more than fitting I do so. I'm certain it is one of those years that will etch itself into my long term memory if in fact the good Lord allows me to retain my long term memory. Some days that is questionable at best.

We began the year with several transitions: I resigned my ministry at Madison Park and am for the first time ever, a stay-at-home mom. Super timing since mere months from now my "baby" will no longer require my services :) We joined a new faith community and have finally begun to feel more at home there, not for their lack of fellowship but for the difficulty of beginning anew and adjusting to both the anticipated and unanticipated emotions of leaving the only church we have ever known. I have done more reflecting about everything imaginable than ever before and I can honestly say it has changed my life. I am not the same, however, I think on this side of it all I like who I see in the mirror most days but have enough left to work on to keep me occupied for years to come.

January also marked Shawna's next step in choosing a career. After a year at Culver Stockton she decided to enroll at Abbott Cosmetology School in Hannibal. She goes way back with Barbie Dolls and this really wasn't a big stretch as far as fit. She excelled from day one. Her father and I worried about her daily transit, especially during the winter months, but it all worked out.

In April, Shawna was engaged. Also not a big stretch. She's been in some state of love with her little drummer boy John Mitchell since grade school, and after dating for 3 years he asked her to marry him. They've been even giddier than usual ever since. May 6, 2006 seemed much further away than it does right now but I'm dealing. It's no surprise how much I love my baby girl and as much as I'm going to miss having her sleeping in the room next to mine, I know this is one of the many prayers I have said on her behalf being answered. Please add your prayers to ours that God will richly bless this time in their lives and protect them.

In May, Shawna graduated from JWCC with her associates degree. We're quite proud of her completion of these requirements in addition to Abbott. In August she graduated from Abbott and after several boards and practicals she is a licensed cosmetologist in Illinois and Missouri. Kevin and I both bear the mark of her "experimentations" and "improvements" and are grateful she gives us a nice discount.

In August I spent two weeks with Veronica and her kids at the cabin in Pine River. We had a blast. Dave, John and Shawna were there for the first week and then we stayed the second. (Kevin was a party pooper.) I love Emma Lee, Chandler and Harrison more than imaginable and they too are growing faster than I ever thought possible. They certainly keep Veronica on the move with little glimpse of a slow down in the near future.

In September, Kevin and I became....Weight Watchers. Another bullet I said I'd never bite but it's been a great decision for the two of us. Combined we've lost 70 lbs. so far and we're only just beginning. The upcoming wedding was our primary motivation but it was something we both needed to do and needed to do together. We feel excited about being "in progress" and reversing the cycle. We are committed to making this last so feel free to keep us accountable :)

Over the summer Shawna and I performed together for a number of weddings which I thoroughly enjoyed. From the response we've gotten I'm assuming others have enjoyed it too. We had 7 weddings in October alone that kept us on the go, not something I'll soon repeat. (I marvel at her ability to hear a song and duplicate it, complete with instrumentation. She also tried her hand at her first professional jingle this year for First Bankers Trust and Company. I'm hoping she'll be able to pursue that more if the opportunity presents itself.) In the midst of this already crazy month we were caught completely by surprise when dad died, apparently from a heart attack. We're still working through that and will for years to come, but are at peace knowing God is God and is perfect in all things. The support and prayers from family, friends and people we've never met before has been overwhelming and appreciated.

October also included the Crossing hiring John as an additional video technician which we couldn't be more pleased about. This allows John to use his ministry degree, explore his passion for all things technical and be surrounded by a wonderful group of spiritual mentors. The fact that he has benefits put father-of-the-bride's mind a lot more at rest:) And as if we could squeeze one more thing into this already crazy month, we headed to Chicago to see Paul McCartney in concert! I must admit he won me over. Kevin has always been a huge fan and I was marginal. No longer. Good thing too. Kevin hasn't put down his guitar ever since. He plays nightly for hours and has watched/read everything he can about his adored Beatles. Now that he's thinner I can see a tour in his future :)

In November, Shawna was hired at InSPArations as a stylist and seems to be doing well so far. She's anxious to build her client list but I'm confident that won't take very long. She's a natural.
Well, except for the hair color. But that's to be expected....only her stylist knows for sure...She also has a few piano students and I've enjoyed watching her develop her teaching skills. When I decide what I want to do when I grow up I might rebuild my teaching studio but am satisfied doing the occasional substituting for the Quincy Public Schools music department. (I really enjoy subbing for Dan Sherman when needed. Not that I don't enjoy a room crawling with disinterested elementary kids who smell like recess, but I really enjoy his choirs and miss directing and rehearsing.)

As the year ends we celebrate John and Shawna becoming first time home owners. They closed last week on 1232 Vermont Street, an adorable older brick home with tons of personality and potential. It's move in ready but they're going to spend the next few months adding their own style and hopefully moving some of their things from our basement. We are thrilled God has put everything in place with such great timing and provision. They even have a tree up whispering promises of Christmases to come. As much as I don't believe it, they are beginning a life together and are growing up and if 2005 taught me anything at all, it taught me to cherish each day and not take anything for granted. I am grateful for the extra time I had with dad over the year, not so many hours spent elsewhere and am grateful for the extra time with Shawna. Kevin still can't believe I'm home when he walks in the door, although these days, popping a frozen Smart Ones in the microwave doesn't exactly make me Martha Stewart and I've yet to greet him with heels. Yet.

Hope your year ends well and finds you at peace. I know my faith has been deepened and I've been sifted a time or two yet He remains faithful and good. I'm so very thankful to have my close relationship with my little sister and so many rich memories of our parents. I'm thankful we were able to spend so much time with them and have no significant regrets. I will always bear their absence but know it will find its place and I have a sense that something big is on the way. Not that our trip to Israel & Italy in March (taking John & Shawna along) and the wedding of a lifetime isn't big enough to anticipate all on its own. I just think God has some really awesome things in store and in His good time He'll bless our socks off. I'm playing again for worship and have missed that a lot. When I look across the stage and see my future son-in-law and daughter playing along it's a wonderful, wonderful thing. It was good for me to spend some time in the pew though and I'm taking it slow. I've needed the Bible studies I was able to enjoy this year and am expecting this to be an amazing year. Merry Christmas and blessings immeasurable on your new year.

Rejoicing, Loretta

peace in...

*This began as a comment to Brian's post and instead of kidnapping his comment section I'm posting it here.

Discerning which are hills to die upon and which are not is hopefully something our living mentors. It ends up seeming as if we sometimes count more cost than necessary and lay haunted with regret. As a good friend once told me, it should be possible within our community of faith to love each other through the gap in our understanding and not leave casualties in the aftermath. I am at peace with the hill I chose to die on. I am at as much peace as I can be with the how and why of it all. But I am not at peace with the grace I extended. I too have found even the smallest remnant of ugliness to weigh more than I'm up to bearing further. I'm into "smaller jeans" and figure grace weighs less than bitterness :) I'm certain it's kinder in the mirror as well, a mirror that doesn't lie and daily reminds me there are festering splinters, if only a few, that need to be discarded and healed. It's time. And I'm ready for this last tweezing. Of course, I'm not planning on going back to any hills anytime soon. They look beautiful from a distance and the quiet waters are what I need right now. Gives me ample time to cover my precious brothers and sisters while they climb still...

I accompanied my sister and her three children to Springfield yesterday for a swim meet and some last-weekend-before-Christmas shopping. As usual we tested the patience of her children as our mother tested ours, and when we were finally ready to hit the road home it was late. Big surprise. I tried to distract the tired and cranky youngin's with a lame travel game...you know the sort: I'm going to Christmas dinner and I'm bringing...an apple pie. Complete with the normal interruptions and the pace of playing with younger ones, this took a while. We were nearing the end of the old alphabet, had actually passed the xylophone lovely we insert because we never remember to look up more interesting alternatives when the six year old loudly announces: "This game sucks!". While Veronica was maturely instructing him to choose a nicer phrase in the future I was spewing my peppermint mocha all over myself. Why yes, Harrison, this game indeed sucks. And it took you the whole stinkin' alphabet to say so.

let it snow...a little...

It snowed the morning after mom died. It was Valentine's Day. Most undoubtedly because of the fact that we: grew up loving snow; have vivid memories of times spent in snow; have an internal connection to the land of the north from our summer vacations in the cabin; and that as married adults mom traded a holler to our upstairs room for a phone call to alert us to the first glimpse of flakes, we claimed "this" snow as ours. Every one since has been heralded by a phone call from dad until of course recently but there is a welcome comfort, a contradictory warmth in our white friend.

I understand the grief it layers on travel, whether by foot or otherwise, but there is never a glimmer of snow I don't giggle over. I suppose if I had some tragedy to associate with the stuff it would alter significantly my personal snowglobe but for now I wrap it around my heart and welcome the twinkle it sets in my eyes. It has been said my God is too busy and complicated to attend a prayer for snow. So I'm probably pushing my luck to be so specific. This child is asking for enough to dust my neck of the woods with comfort over the following week and nothing enough to compromise anyone's safety. Smile. Go ahead. I just sent my sister a text message that read "It snowed!" She just replied. "We are loved!"

sold...

There's a sold sign in the front yard. She isn't old enough to drink and she co-owns a house. There were glimpses of her as a little girl in her eyes last week. Always are when she doesn't feel well or is unsure of herself. I see "her" every once in a while and my heart smiles. Can I love her more? It's hard to breathe sometimes when I think about it. I know this: she is the reason I am. Everything before "me" was just to get "her" on the planet. I adore her. How thankful I am that sold sign is only five minutes away...

miss me?

My computer bit the dust a couple weeks ago and that's where I've been, so back off Gilchrist. I believe for the most part my funketh hast passethed. I'm entitled to my blues and my hiding so I'm embracing them for what they are. Christmas Eve will be a killer, as if the rest of the season hasn't screamed his absence, but we're dealing. We're decking the halls, donning the gay apparel and rejoicing at the joy in our worlds, even if it stings a bit this year.

I have a new computer. Just up and running tonight. Just about to go into a coma if I didn't get to my email pretty soon. Like leaving my cell phone at home for the day. I have it bad. But you know, I actually enjoyed having it removed from my options for a couple weeks. I've been to St. Louis on excursions a few times, one was a solo expedition that I really enjoyed and was actually quite healing in many ways. Felt a little odd to eat alone and get a hotel room all by myself, but I had a wonderful time. My wrapping is finally completed and my list is almost done. The cards are yet to be sent but I'm feeling pretty good about my progress. It is going to be a Christmas to remember and for the first time in many years it's going to be a Christmas spent completely with the ones I love instead of countless rehearsals and power point slides.

I'm looking forward to this year ahead of me. There's almost 30 pounds less of me than there was this time last year; I watched my choir deliver a wonderful cantata without me and didn't cry or ache; I get to play for the first services in our new auditorium Christmas weekend; we leave for Israel in three months and in less than five have a wedding to pull off. I have blogs to catch up on and emails to write. This has been a huge year. Just huge. I'm ready to lay some stuff down and head straight into whatever this has all been leading to. I've learned so much about myself and I believe I'm the better for it. That story remains to be told.

I'm up past my bedtime. Stupid blog.

PS: My baby girl closes on her first home in the morning. Wow. This is really going to be different...